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Psychological work
16 "golden" rules to live in peace with teenager
Rule 1. Be patient.
To start, let's make a little experiment. Imagine the following situation: you teach your child to skate. This is not the first lesson, but still he did not get his feet and depart. What do you do:
Say that he "as always can not learn anything";
Begin to teach nervously: "That's necessary to put your feet, how many times to repeat";
Slips and throw it a futile exercise. In the end it's not the most important thing in his life;
Start cheering, "Let's try again, you see, is better";
No comments it is clear that the first three methods are not constructive. The first way is not the best way affects the self-esteem of the child. First, he will clamp internally bated, and then begin to feel guilty for what does not work. The second method is more productive, but only if the teachings are soft and with encouragement, and your tone friendly. The third way all failed. Child at best become embittered and start being rude. The fourth way is just connected with patience. It is present and the situation of approval, and wine with a child removed for his inability, on the face soft and training. Also in life. To learn, we have a lot of patience. And remember: if you only teach and constantly being ripped off, then break the trust between you.
Rule 2. Trust.
Trust - the most important aspect of the relationship with the teenager. Trust relationships are always bilateral. On the one hand, this recognition child you my friend. On the other hand, this is your confidence in your child. He need it: it proves your attitude to it as an adult. In adolescence, at some point there is some removal from parents. The child appears its secrets, secrets, personal affairs, in which he does not allow adults. He may like to retire to his room. It is a necessary element of a teen's life. Many parents see it as a violation of the secrecy and the most trusting relationship. Sure, it's nice when you trust secret. But remember myself, you too have their "secrets", it is normal for the adult world, as your child matures. Give him the right to his own life.
Rule 3. Pent-up emotions.
Probably, you do not just notice that your impact on the child depends on the emotional state. When something happens, the first reaction is often negative. But in this state you can hardly really understand the situation. A Shout - not quite what you expect from a teenager. Moreover, this reaction will cause the response, and to no good like "sorting" will not. Conflict is not exhausted. If something happened to you, or angry behavior of the child, especially the first suppress negative emotions, calm down. When you are relatively calm, it is easy to understand its purpose. Then you will be able to respond adequately to the situation and goals.
Rule 4. Do not cut off the shoulder.
Situations faced every day in every family, behavioral problems - a consequence of anything, so be sure to set the cause. The most common causes of behavioral disorders associated with the desire to attract attention or self-assertion. And not only susceptible to this troubled teens.
Rule 5. Be consistent and persistent.
If you want to achieve something, be consistent in their actions. Do not promise your child what will not be able to perform. This will only reinforce his belief that adults should not be trusted, and their words - the wind. If you promised to go next weekend to go with his son to the rink, do not postpone the campaign for 2 months. This will lead to the fact that some time will cease to trust your teenager said. Just be consistent even in their changes and explain their demands.
Rule 6. Engage teenager to change yourself.
You can only help someone who is interested in this. If your child is interested in change, he willingly goes to a contact with someone who offers him the chance. Sometimes children are so accustomed to their social roles, to his roles that see no reason to change themselves. And here is our main goal - to interest the child in the process of positive change, to tell him about all the benefits of a new type of behavior, problem solving, etc. Because then he go through this life itself. And for this we need to grow up, that is change. If you can draw attention to this teenager, then further changes he would be interested myself.
Rule 7. Strive for a reasonable compromise and flexibility.
Remember that any changes should bring joy. Every teenager tries to preserve its integrity, to spare their self-esteem. Therefore, deciding that either go with the child to make concessions that would allow him to save face. Moreover, it should be remembered that if one educational strategy is not suitable, you can try another. And do not be afraid to experiment.
Rule 8. Rewards and punishments should be adequate to act perfect.
Virtually any punishment causes emotional trauma in children. Especially if it is not fair or punishment more cruel than the cost of this action. And not every such injury can be quickly forgotten. Sometimes it leaves a mark on life ... The same applies to incentives if they do not comply done. Agree that hold a big celebration in honor of washed 14-year old daughter sex - it's something strange. As well as if you just say "well done" son who has won 1st place in the urban intellectual marathon. Any encouragement and punishment should fit the Act.
Rule 9. Do not try to "understand everything."
Anyone need to understand. However, adolescents often important to understand the potential, but mostly just support. After all, their experiences - the most-and no one before this felt. Some calm down when they hear from her father: "I felt like he was your age." But sometimes teenagers do not want to be the "transparent" and predictable for parents. And you just have to support them and make it appear that their experiences are unique. After all, the same child at different times need the understanding that the exact opposite. The case is very thin.
Rule 10 Understand child does not mean approving of his behavior.
Example: my father fought against the appearance of his son. He let go of long hair and walked with unwashed Patlakh, irritating the whole family. Arrangements and requirements of the mother did not help. Then it took over his father. One morning he said to his son: "I'm sorry, son. Your hair - it's your business. I respect your right to go the way you want. But my stomach - that's my business. I can put all this after lunch, but not before it. Breakfast, please, in my room. "This response was effective. On the one hand, demonstrated respect for the opinion of his son. On the other - expressed disapproval of his behavior. And at the same time such a statement made son to think about compliance with the norms of decency. If my father like son sharply rebuked shocking, it is unknown what effect this would have. And so - the son of the hair is not trimmed, but began to care for them. And go home with groomed tail, which is not so annoyed his parents.
Rule 11. Have mercy "sore spots" teenager and his self-esteem.
Every person has some shortcomings, which he tries to hide. Touching them can be very painful. Especially it hardly experienced in adolescence. Teenager is very vulnerable, vulnerable, sensitive to all the words addressed to him. The world around us is constantly reminding him of his patients places. If a boy of small stature, below their peers, it will invariably be a tease. Of course it is painful. Such conversations often occur when other adults and thus, as a teenager to return to the world of childhood, with whom he had to leave in a hurry. They want that to be seen as adults. Respect your child is right. Do not put in an awkward teenager, funny position (from his perspective). This can only configure it negatively towards you.
Rule 12. Avoid lecturing and preaching.
For our children is very important that we truly meet their mood and feelings. At the same time, when the child is in a rage, confusion, confusion - their feelings should not be sent to us, the parents. Otherwise, what of us mate? We need to be supported and support for their children. And help may be to reassure the teenager more case give some information, or just stay close. And this is best done on a calm head.
Rule 13. Speak and investigated all the time.
One of our golden rules - patience. Of course, it is necessary for education and communicating with a teenager. But do not think that patience - it permissiveness, Planting his neck and not a statement of claims. Time elucidation will help you keep good relations. After all, if the offense just save and keep silent about them, do not talk about what you do not like and annoying, then sooner or later "pot boil" and then followed by an explosion. Better just to clarify everything is calm and find a solution on the contentious issues. And think: maybe in your misunderstandings with the child, he is not so guilty?
Rule 14. Do not carry the disadvantages to the child.
There is a saying: "In the eye of another speck spots and its timber does not notice." Often it concerns our relationship to ourselves. Disadvantages tried not to notice, but the children want to fix everything. And then you can see a picture. A mother whose own stuff scattered all over the room to complain girlfriend slut daughter. Or father blamed for "armless" 17-year-old son, and he really drive a nail and can not. Of course, such things should be monitored. But it's not so bad. Much worse when parents are transferred to children disadvantages, of which the child is not in sight.
Rule 15. Did not predict failure.
We always want that our children would live better. We try to prepare them for adulthood. But is doing it right? Very often, acting "for good" we unconsciously program the child to fail. It employs the following principle. The fact that our subconscious often refuses to accept the particle "no". When carrying a stack of dishes man's arm saying, "Do not drop it!" His brain perceives the information as "Done." And the chance that the dishes will be on the floor is very large. So do not instruct the child, leaving the street saying, "Do not fall under the car." Better to translate it into a positive statement: "Be careful crossing the road." But "program" can be and more. Known saying: "A drop hollows out a stone." Very often, talking about their child's adult life, we say, "If you do not learn to get up early, you can not get a good job," "You will not learn, not enrolled in the Institute" thus laying the child in negative attitudes.
Rule 16. Be a friend, not a girlfriend.
Some parents, trying to win the favor of his child, unconsciously begin to imitate him. Speak teen slang, sometimes "making fun." In general, trying to become "the guy." They think that their child rather hear if they will be with him as an equal. But it is not. Teens will not familiarity in the relationship with parents. Often they even begin to hesitate such parents. Because children understand that between parents and their distance should be. Each parent - does not mean "your boyfriend", "girlfriend." He assistant, counselor, support, advocate. He is someone who understands and supports. But he - adult, with his views on life, with their experience. With their own values and priorities. And teens parents are looking for exactly such a friend. Difficult task of simultaneously being a parent, who is responsible for child care for him. And thereby be adult friend.
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